Aut viam inveniam aut faciam

And another OMG I'm so busy update

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 03:17:19 GMT

So apparently my uterus is the size of a basketball. That I can believe. I feel like I am as big as a house - and I'm only going to get bigger! I start my third trimester in a week. Tomorrow marks 100 days to go. Wow.

I've read enough to know what I want from labour (as natural as possible), and also to not raise my expectations too much to be severely disappointed if it doesn't go as planned (I'm saying no drugs without having felt a contraction!). Being pregnant is getting a bit uncomfortable now, all stretchy and hard to turn over, things like that. Every time I get a little irked over a pain I just remind myself that labour is going to be much worse and to use it as an oppurtunity to learn how to deal. Lots of deep breathing these days.

I had my third (unexpected) ultrasound yesterday - it was the most painful and I didn't see anything. Barry and my mom did when they got called in (they loved seeing the beating heart). Barry claims that he didn't see any boy parts. We'll find out soon enough! Wow I can't imgaine - maybe his dad was right after all (first thing when we saw him in the hospital he said he wanted to live to meet his grandaughter - I really wish he had). I've been preparing for our little Jude (Anthony Thomas, My grandpa and Barry's dad's middle names) in my mind - Barry's been preparing for Shayelyn (Grace, Geraldine, My mom, his mom's middle names).

I had the most incredible dream the other night. I was breastfeeding, and sitting beside Barry, and I said to him "Here's our little girl". Man that felt so real. It's the second dream I've had which has involved skin contact - the first was dreaming of giving birth and having the baby on my belly. They are intense dreams!

For now I have kicks and punches and rolls. Last night baby turned upside down and was kicking my belly button so hard my belly was moving. First time I saw movement instead of just feeling it. I wanted to know what it felt like to breastfeed, so I poked and I leaked (colstrum of course, not milk)! Having some BH contractions too. Getting so real.

We did the hospital tour - the rooms were pretty nice, and I was surprised to find out that the jacuzzi tubs were often not used (I'm sure planning on using them). They rolled out a mirror saying that we could watch. Barry was pointing asking didn't I want to watch, and my first reaction was no. I wonder if that reaction will change. I get two people in the room and so far we're thinking Barry and my mom but we haven't decided yet.

Best news this week - Zoe will be flying out here for the week I'm due. My mom will be so happy to have both her grandchildren here at the same time - if baby's on time lol. My EDD was bumped up another day again, to March 19th (my dad's bday). We'll see :)

Believe

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 03:30:01 GMT

I believe that reality is a construct of my mind, where my perceptions are the builders, and my beliefs are the blueprints.

I believe that my beliefs are vital to how I percieve the world, and therefore the world as I know it is subjectively based on them.

I believe that all of my expierences must match my beliefs to be considered true and valid- if they do not then they are either changed to match my belief (reinterpereted), not seen as valid or true (mispercieved, or thrown out) or my belief is changed by the expierence.

I believe in my mind's ability to fill in the blanks in my memory as needed, and to see, hear and feel things that do not actually exist by way of detecting patterns, figures or sensations (Pareidolia), and that the fact that a human mind does this is well documented.

I believe that the mind and body are one and the same.

I do not believe that life as I know it will continue upon my death, however, it will continue in the same way that it existed before my birth - that I am a concept in the same way a house is only a house when built, but existed in bricks before and will exist in bricks after it is no longer a house.

I do not believe in, or hold in great suspect, ghosts, or demons, or aliens and a long list of other "supernatural" beings.

I do not believe in God.

I do believe that there are things which cannot be known or understood and as such understand faith, and respect the fact that people can and will have faith.

I believe that this is fun and will be continued......

Pregnancy Fun and Life

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 03:14:11 GMT

So I'm in the last month of the second trimester, the "honeymoon" trimester.

Most of the earlier ailments are all gone. I think my run of migraines was from stress and work - this project I'm working on is just plain crazy. They stopped so I'm good with that. Although I wake 3-4 times a night, I'm not tired. It's often the baby kicking my bladder. I can't believe, it's only just over a pound, and how much more will it be in a few months. It's been "breech" (feet down) since I started feeling it (and man oh man is it really kicking right now). It goes through a day of being quiet, while I feel stretchy (growing I assume) then it starts up again. I love it I love it I love it (!).

I felt the baby with my hand a couple of times. That was very cool and exciting. I hope to feel it more and more.

Other than the joy of baby moving, the down side is the hip and back pain. The hip pain is mostly at night and the back pain if I'm walking around a lot. I've also noticed pain in my ankles and feet, though they don't look like they are swelling.

I'm really interested in what labour will be like. Mostly what the pain will be like. I've been practicing relaxing my muscles, and breathing (the deep breathing sure gets the baby going). I've decided that an epidural will be a last resort - it slows labour, which for a first time obese mother will be long enough as it is. Plus I can walk around and birth in a more natural position. I really hope I can pull it off, but as long as the baby is healthy in the end I'll be happy.

I can't believe the amount of stuff people are offering. Mom's giddy of course, she bought the crib and mattress (and diapers, and blankets and clothes). I've got a changing table (super nice), swing, bouncer, play pen, car seat, breast pump (will need new tubes)and clothes. I might need a stroller, but I might get one of those too. My sil is throwing the baby shower, her husband probably the "pamper" shower (I had never heard of these before, is it a Newfie thing?). The best part is that most of these things are borrowed. We both didn't want a lot of new things unless we had to, we're not planning on more, so it's not an investment.

Before we decided to have a child, I was in heaven. I felt that I had finally figured out for the first time in my life how to be happy. The first trimester constant illness, Bill getting sick and dying, the renovations and moving, I thought I had lost it.

The past two months, I am back. No longer overwhelmed by adversity, no longer over come with thoughts of negativity or doubt. No longer so damn sensitive, or taking things so seriously or personally, or feeling sorry for myself. Anxiety and depression does not wave over and drown me. The future excites me instead of worries me, the past is gone and doesn't haunt me.

The only way that any of this works is that I both choose it, (with every thought, action, reaction) and when I fail, I decide to learn and try again. No magic words, no magic pills, nothing given to me, no exceptions, just a decision minute by minute, that I want to be happy, that whatever I am feeling is not worth it, that just because I feel something, doesn't mean it's true.

I've never loved without the intense fear of loss before. Now I love like there's no tomorrow and I get to relax and appreciate what I have, and forget the little things.

I'm far from perfect (that subjective goal that has no clear boundries), but I'm working on it. What it comes down to is, I get this one life. There is no external knight in shinning armour that will hand me happiness and security on a platter. The decision to enjoy it is and always has been mine - I'm so glad I've been able to find this peace. I sometimes wish it had been sooner, I think along those lines a lot, but I just remind myself, that if I had, I would not be where I am in life now, now would I? Plus why worry about things that I cannot change - the past is something that I have no choice but to accept.

Hiccups

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 03:13:46 GMT

Baby hiccups feel so strange! First time I felt them - I think baby was on my bladder at the time which made feel that much stranger.
Bought the coming home from the hospital outift. First thing I've personaly bought. Also getting my first pregnancy cold. Woohoo! Exciting times.

UGH

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 15:40:54 GMT

I'm having a serious self pity moment.

I hate migraines. Since I've had one per day for the last two weeks, I'm over the moon with hate for migraine.

At least I have a Dr who will now work with me and try different medications that I haven't tried before. I just have to wait is all.

Well hello

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 03:20:30 GMT

I have a mexican jumping bean in my belly. Some days it's constant and others it's quiet.
I've only gained 20 pounds but I feel like I've gained 40. Above the belly button is getting big and stretchy. I'm definitely showing now. I'm used to have a belly this big, but not this hard, so I'm getting used to that. It's hard to imagine just how much bigger this will get? Baby's only a pound so far!

My second u/s went fine - didn't get the results back in time for the last prenatal so I have to wait until Decemeber, but the IPS came back all good and the baby is moving and has a strong heartbeat. Glad I didn't want to know the sex, baby sure wasn't telling. Turned and mooned us. Well, it has the cutest foot I've ever seen, I can say that.

I'm back to trying to wrap my mind around quantum physics, though now I'm worried that the book I am reading may get the basics right but overall give the wrong idea. Hard to concentrate with whatever is going on with my brain. At work I feel like I'm juggling five projects, which in a way I am. I'm struggling to stay up and it's only 10:15! Life has become so repetitive and domestic, but I'm in no way saying that in a negative way. I can't believe how excited I am at the end of the day to come home. Will pass out if I try and stay and type more. Hopefuly I wake only once or twice, that would be nice :)

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 02:28:46 GMT

Life is just rolling along. At some times I can't believe that we're halfway there - and at other times I can't believe we're only halfway there.

Got prenatal classes starting soon - had to wait until Barry was back on day shifts so he could go too. Really aiming for natural, though I'm not going to avoid an epi if I really need it. Got the level 2 u/s on saturday, and I decided to go back to my original decision in not finding out the sex. I got to tell him I was pregnant. I want him (fingers crossed the dr's follow) to be the one to tell me what we're having.

Been feeling the baby like crazy. Can't really describe the feeling. It's just amazing. The rolls are the wierdest, like the first drop off a roller coaster. The kicks sometimes are shockingly strong. Hopefuly we will be both able to feel it soon, but not big enough yet.

Still haven't slept through the night. Almost four months straight now. I'm like a zombie some days. I have the hardest time not nodding off at work, it's embarassing!

The skeptic's guide to the universe podcast has been getting me through - and reading the god delusion at night before bed. I find it actually comforting to be reading things that I had thought about, but didn't have the words to express. I love it when the podcasters talk about how they teach their children how to think critically. I'm taking notes!

We're pretty settled in our new place. Have to start getting the other bedroom ready. Was too worried to buy anything (haven't yet!) - last thing I wanted was a house full of baby stuff if anything went wrong. My new deadline is the results from the u/s, then the shopping, cleaning and gathering will be begin. I'm actually starting to allow myself to get excited.

Death

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 03:08:29 GMT

I've watched people close to death - I've watched people deteriorate over a period of time. This was the first time I watched someone die. Saw the body shut down and the heart and lungs fight until they could fight no more. I understand now how people can say that a person went peacefuly. And knowing how much pain he was in while alive, it was as peaceful as one could hope.

Being Pregnant

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 16:39:11 GMT

I know that every pregnancy is different. I can say that there were a bunch of symptoms that I had no idea would develop, and some that I'm pretty surprised didn't. Someone suggested I keep track, that way I would have something to pass on if I have a girl - the books say that the mother's pregnancy is a good place to get an idea of their daughters.

From soon after I found out to a couple of weeks before the second trimester, I had non-stop nausea. I only actually threw up once. I didn't expect it to be from morning to night, running to the bathroom at work sometimes up to 4 times in an hour. I thought I'd be throwing up more.

I didn't realize that I wouldn't be sleeping through the nights from the get go. I'm still not and I haven't since soon after finding out, though in the second trimester I've felt more adjusted and not so full day zombie. On average it's 2-3 times a night. Lately, I've been wide awake at 3 or 4 in the morning.

I couldn't believe the non-stop drool. It got to the point where I would carry kleenex just to get rid of it. Swallowing it made the nausea worse too.

I was surprised at the immediate changes my abdonmon went through. All the muscles would hurt if I used them. I've had to change how I stand, get up out of chairs and even how I cough. It was such a worry to feel all the pain too, of everything stretching out. Now that I am used to how it feels like, I don't get so worried.

My breasts are finally not so sore. A slight bump would feel like a knife, it was pretty bad. My sister grew about 3 cups sizes, I don't think I've even grown 1 so far. I guess I have more to wait and see.

I didn't expect the constipation. I'm so glad I got that under control pretty quick with diet changes and drinking water. Long live Activa!

I couldn't believe how often I've had to go pee. At work it's about every 20 minutes. It's still the same these days, and the baby isn't even buoncing on my bladder yet (though I know it's kicking, I've heard it).

I got so used to eating less that I've actually had a problem eating enough in the day to not feel dizzy or see stars. The seeing stars has been the wierdest, like typical cartoony type stars. Never expected that.

Since second trimester, I now understand why they say pregnant woman have a "glow". Aside from people telling me that I look great, my skin has gotten so soft. Inside, I feel like I am literally glowing, the same feeling I used to get walking out of a hot shower, but all day and night. Not sweaty hot, but increased blood flow hot. Apparently I've almost doubled by blood volume so I guess that explains that.

My hair on my head has been falling out, but all other hair and my nails have been growing like crazy.

I've just started getting the swollen sore feet and hands, including symptoms of carpel tunnel.

No baby movement yet. Apprently not for another month if not more. I know it's in there, I've both seen and heard it move and kick. I'm looking as forward to that as the second ultrasound at the end of October.

That's all I can think of for now - well other then thinking, and losing memory and forgetting things!

Cleansing

Sun, 20 Sep 2009 23:32:46 GMT

Despite being so sleep deprived lately(yeah hormones), I've been having strange dreams that are bringing up a lot from my past. Even some things that I never thought I'd get over. I think what has really helped has been learning that when I hold on to things, especially things that have hurt me, I start to define myself by them. I have no choice over the past. I can not change what has happened. Most of them I cannot prevent from happening again. All I can do is know that I survived then, and I could survive them again and seeing myself as a survivor instead of a victim has made all the difference.

Another large change has found me taking charge and saying no to that (or who) which has casued reoccuring drama and pain, instead of leaving things as they are and being unable to handle the stress. If something is too much for me to handle, I am not less of a person for recognizing it. I'm not a victim of something as long as I have a choice, and leaving things is a choice (no matter how bad or guilty it leaves me feeling). Me leaving things is no ones decision but mine own, as no one makes me do anything.

There has been so much stress in my life lately, from work to family and health. The last time I remember this much stress was around the time that my grandfather was dying, and it's no coincidence as this situation bears resembalance to that time. The big difference is that now I literally have another life depandant on me, and that it will not only be me that the stress is hurting. It's been hard, but I have to make the choice to not fall into seeing the similarities and reliving the expierences. I cannot stop the memories from returning, but I can actually deal with them, and not dismiss them, but say first that my grandfather would be devestated that he would cause me any pain and would not want to be remembered in that way. It was a difficult time that I thought I would not survive, but I did, and I owe it to not just myself to recognize that although it was hard, it has made me stronger.

The mere fact of having to deal with the stresses instead of letting them wash over me has been a challenge, but one I know I will emerge from stronger. A child learns first by example, and if I want what's best for our child, having a mother who is a tree in the wind will teach them how to be just that. What I want for my child I have to first want, see and be in myself.

We saw our child for the first time 2 weeks ago. That was an expierence that is hard to translate. I remembering staring at the screen until I saw something. Then holding my breath until I saw movement. Then relief at seeing the heart beat. Extreme relief at seeing movement. A strange awakening at coughing and seeing the baby immediately react. Then love.

We'll be finding out the sex for the family who might not make it to see. We have names picked out but change our minds so frequently that there's not much of a point right now to write them out. We're now talking in terms of family instead of us.

And being here at this point in my life, even reliving things from history, there is nothing I can regret or change. I've never been more at peace with my life, not by accident, not by circumstances, but through hard work with acceptance, forgiveness (of myself and others) and a complete change of perception. This being the case, how could I want to go back and change anything?

New Begining

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 02:07:42 GMT

I'm no longer fond of rehashing the past or trying to capture it, like remembering the story behind a scar. I think the big problem with that is that I was constantly reviewing things to try and find patterns with the duel purpose of both attempting to define who I am I am by seeing who I was, and also to find comfort in the false belief that by knowing the past, I could see the future and prevent pain and suffering.

I never found any joy in it. If anything, what I thought to be a life perserver, that knowledge of history and patterns, ended up being an anchor. I lived in fear. All my actions were justified as being perceievd as preventative. If I had any faith, it was in the worst case scenario. The possibility of a negative outcome was my sole motivation to act, and my history, my perceievd wrongs, became my future and how I defined who I was.

I guess the easiest way to put it is to say that, I have lived most of my life as a victim, like a tree in a storm. I could not concieve that I need not blow in the wind. I could not fathom not reacting to events around me. Not only could I not think of not responding, I would respond as if what was happening had already led to whatever was the very worst thing that could happen. Even if the very worst thing that could happen was ten steps ahead, eleven steps back I would already be nursing my future wounds.

I have spent a long time defining myself with my inabilities. I believed that by understanding what I could not do, or what caused me pain, I could understand who I was, and in a way that makes sense as I was mostly motivated by avoidance of pain. If I knew that doing X hurt in the past, I knew then to avoid it. It was such a chicken/egg situation. I found my limitations, defined myself through them, then was on the constant look out for repetition, so much so that I would no longer wait for the situation to arise - the mere hint of trouble and my reaction was exactly as if the trouble was there.

I think I've managed to say enough without saying anything at all.

So now I'm facing the situation of bringing someone else into this world (technically we are). I've never been so excited yet so anxious (or so sore, or so sick ect..). I've also never been so determined in both nailing down what it is I believe and to stay positive.

I've decided to start using this space for that purpose. I also want to use it as a place to deal with my inner conflicts instead of carrying them around (and pondering them for hours on end in bed late at night). If I've learned anything by being a step mom so far, it's easier to teach by example then to teach through fear or lecture. I can't start a journey without knowing where my destination is. I'm tired of wandering lost and miserable because I'm lost, but unable to be found because I had no direction.

So this is my plan. This is my platform.

30 weeks and counting 1 day at a time.

Under Construction....

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 01:00:03 GMT

I'm restructuring a lot in my life, including this journal, so for now everything is locked down until I figure out what I will be using it for.
I'm still actively here on Lj, but due to my health will not be posting much, until things clear up.
~Cheers